The irony of my (lack of) love life was almost laughable as
I looked at the title of the week's activity:
"Romantics: Creating your
Mr./Mrs. Perfect". Oh, if only it
were as easy as "creating" him!
Abracadabra! Ha,
ha. It was even more hysterical that a
good third of the students in the class were married or dating--and that the
teacher teaching it (me) was single.
Since arriving in Shanghai, I've met four gay men. They have all been wonderful people; however,
at times meeting men like this was only a reminder of how few available men
remain for someone my age.
As a Peace Corps Volunteer at 25, I remember the villagers
on Pohnpei being shocked that I was still single; they didn't believe that I
didn't at least have an illegitimate child in the States. "Twenty-five!" they'd say, eyes wide, sometimes shaking their
heads at each other--as if I wasn't there.
Well, kids, now I'm 36, and the situation hasn't
changed. What do you think about that?
Reluctant to trash my career over an office romance, I still
have yet to meet many men outside of work.
The good thing is that, compared to Spokane, there are plenty of
attractive men my age in Shanghai that I've seen.
After three cycles of the Chinese zodiac, I'll admit it'd be
difficult to change my ways. I've had
about seven or eight years (off and on) of living without roommates, but that
doesn't mean it would be impossible for me to learn new behaviors--to marry and
live with someone. That being said, after
a year of eHarmony, six months on Plenty of Fish, and trying OKCupid and
Match.com a few months each, the fact is that I've had exactly one boyfriend
within the last eight years and perhaps four or five dinner dates.
While I'm admitting things, I'll also admit that being able
to up and leave the States for a year in Shanghai is something most of my
married friends would be unable to do. I'll
admit that making my way through millions of people every day turns me off the
"be fruitful and multiply" idea.
There are people all around me, and yet loneliness is cast like a veil
over everything. I can speak to almost
no one, so I may as well be alone. I
struggle sometimes with why I came here.
Wasn't part of the point to find some friends, and to find The One? ARGH.
One of my good friends once shared a quote that went
something like, "Each of us, no matter what we say, is exactly where we
want to be." If I am exactly where
I want to be, why do I think about men and marriage so much, and why can't I
let go of my loneliness? Why can't I
just accept that this is my life--single and adventurous? Why do I keep longing for someone to share
those adventures with me?
Only three of 20 students in the afore-mentioned "Romantics"
class believed there was such a thing as the perfect relationship. Is the fact that I keep hoping for one the
reason why I'm still single?
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